Worth It?

Totally.
Just a few of my reasons
Race for the Cure 2007


"Cancer is not a gift.
I've paid, and paid, and paid for my learning.
The cost has been too high.
I'll take my learning, since I paid for it,
but the debt is overwhelming."

~Kristina~
30-something Breast Cancer Survivor

Here is more of what Kristina has to say about her breast cancer experience, with which I agree whole-heartedly:

I've met some incredible women on my cancer journey; I've had a chance to learn my own strength; I've had a chance to implement positive change in the world through my breast cancer journey. My marriage was shaken beyond what I'd imagined possible, and survived; my friendships were tested and given gold stars. Still, the question is asked, is cancer worth it?

Well, today the question came up again on the YSC boards, and as usual, there are two sides: those who think that the disease has brought more joy (friendships, etc.) than pain; and those who feel differently. Here is my response:

It is NOT worth it, and that is why I fight so hard to find an end to the disease on both a personal and a public level.

I look at my daughter when she's sleeping, and I vow that I would do anything to stay on this planet, mothering her. Yes, I want to write my book; yes, I want to retire with my husband; yes, I want to revisit Tuscany; yes, I want to run a marathon....but I'd give it all up just to be here to be her mother, to love her, to hold her, to reassure her, to tell her how beautiful and strong and kind she is.

Cancer is trying to take that from me, and I'm resentful about it.

I don't believe that it's 100% a terrible experience, because with deep sorrow comes deep joy. Because of the depth of my sorrow, I've been granted an opportunity to do more meaningful things with my life, I've learned the quality of my friendships, and I've seen my marriage tested beyond belief only to survive. I've met incredible women, that's certain. And I've learned a new type of compassion and empathy; I relate to people in a different way that I believe is healthy and empowering and helps me to feel even more connected to humanity. I will take joy where I can find it, and there have been many joys along the way.

But I'd give them all up to stay here with Tessa. I would give up these new joys for the old ones. The old ones were so innocent; I didn't know I was missing anything, because I was so happy. Life wasn't bad at all before cancer. I wasn't on the wrong path, I didn't have shallow friendships. I don't feel particularly bitter about it all, I just feel filled with the desire to change things. I can accept where I've been as long as I feel that I can find meaning where there is none.

It's meaningless that I got cancer. Cancer is a devil, and there's nothing good about it. The joy that comes after cancer isn't because of cancer, it's because of an inherent beauty within ourselves, and in our desire for something more than cancer, that makes us create new, wonderful, positive meaning where there might only have been pain.

It's been a rough few days, but hopefully I have turned the corner and will now be feeling better every day until my next chemo cycle. My plan to be feeling better by the weekend is working perfectly so far.

I have figured out that I only get about 2.5 really really hard days. The other days aren't great, they definitely aren't like before, but they aren't as bad as they could be. I am very fortunate that I get as many good days as I do, others aren't so lucky.

I was just telling someone today that sometimes I surprise myself and can still do more than a lot of unsick people...just not as much as unsick me. Maybe cancer is making me finally act my age (and way older sometimes)...which I hate!

Video from i'mtooyoungforthis.org: