longest most rambling post ever...now with more italics (and parentheses)

yeah, that's me!

i know, i know....i've been a bad blogger. but i have an excuse. i have been busy...fun busy, more-energy busy, happy busy...good busy!

i have been feeling good and i am so grateful for that. i got to go to terri's wedding; i got to see michelle; i got to hang out with my family a couple of times; i got to hang out with cathi a few times; i got to enjoy some beautiful sunsets, warm days, cool evenings, and surprise (to me) thunderstorms; i got to go to work and get a lot accomplished; i got to do some cooking.

i couldn't have done any of those things if i had been sitting in front of my computer (except for some of the work, but you know what i mean). i am still very tired, so when i'm not doing any of those fun things, i am resting and/or sleeping...followed by getting up feeling completely unrested, or like i haven't slept at all.

that pretty much sums it up.

by the way, if i haven't called or written you back, that's my excuse for that as well. too busy, or too tired...take your pick.

i have chemo on monday. it's funny...i can't even remember what number this is unless i look at my own blog or get out my cancer notebook. when i was at my doc's office today for my weekly blood draw, someone asked me how many i have had, and i was like, 'ummmm...24? 25? somewhere in the 20's, that much i know'.

so anyway, that's monday....chemo #20whatever. cathi will be coming with me this time. it's her first time, so it'll be good for the mystery of the dreaded chemo room to be dispelled (or confirmed) for her.

i think it's good for those who love us to come to chemo with us at least once to see what happens at the place no one ever really wants to have to go. at the very least, i think it's good to see what the place itself looks like. and maybe realize it's not as bad as you thought....or maybe it's worse, but at least now you know. it is what it is.

i am excited for the beautiful weekend ahead. i have no real plans, which sometimes is my favorite kind of weekend.

and of course, as always....more lyrics...

Driving out through the windmills
And some of them were still
Sometimes it's hard to catch the wind
And bend it to your will

Even though it's hard to know
Just how the story ends
The road is long and it takes its time
On that you can depend

Lay me down in the river
And wash this place away
Break me down like sand from a stone
Maybe I'll be whole again one day

Lay me down, lay me down
Maybe I'll be whole again
Lay me down, lay me down
Maybe I'll be whole again

Somewhere between heaven and hell
A soul knows where it's been
I want to feel my spirit lifted up
And catch my breath again

Lay me down in the river
And wash this place away
Break me down like sand from a stone
Maybe I'll be whole again one day

Lay me down, lay me down
Maybe I'll be whole again
Lay me down, lay me down
Maybe I'll be whole again
Lay me down, lay me down
Maybe I'll be whole again one day

Lay Me Down - Crosby & Nash
(for the song, not the video)

you're probably thinking, 'oh great...she bails on us all week and this is what she comes back with? a song that is clearly about death*? how depressing!'

(*that's how i interpret it, anyway.)

no worries, this song is not a direct reflection on how i am currently feeling (or maybe it is...but that's not the only thing i am feeling). as i've said before, i pick lyrics that may or may not be only about me. and if they are about me, that's only one aspect of me.

so here's the story: i was on my way back to work from giving blood, taking a different/longer trek because, a) it's such a nice day, b) i felt like driving/listening to music way more than i felt like going back to work, and most importantly, c) my bosses are both gone (til 10/9....yay kelly!).

so...i'm driving with all the windows down (still loving those automatic windows), and i heard that 'lay me down' song as i drove by a korean war memorial that i had no clue even existed until today.

i circled around the block and went back to check out the memorial. did you know that 36,000 americans died in the korean war? i didn't. a total of something like 400,000 lives were lost.

i don't normally like this topic (war) and sort of avoid it if i can, but those lyrics and that memorial sort of just struck me today. especially with what is happening in the world right now, and considering where i had been just prior to encountering them. a place where battles are being fought daily, and where lives are being lost daily.

while i was at my doc's office, i talked to a woman i have seen and talked to before. she has both ms and metastatic cancer, has to use a walker, and was waiting for a friend to come pick her up to drive her straight to the hospital to have some fluid drained from her abdomen (her cancer has spread to her liver) for the fourth or fifth time.

i waltzed in and out of there on my own, i drove myself there and back...from and to work. it's things like that, and people like her that keep me going. they make me grateful for and remind me to focus on the things i still have as opposed to what i have lost. many have lost so much more.

maybe we'll all be whole again one day.

all kinds of other, much more light-hearted things have been happening in my world too.

like how i chased the wrong cat (twice) around cathi's neighborhood after i thought her cat had gotten outside while she ran to the store for a few minutes. this was also while her neighbors all watched me out of their windows (i saw them) i'm sure wondering, 'who is this crazy, bald lady chasing our cats around?'

many frantic text messages later, cathi gets home and finds her cat all nice and cozy inside (most likely mocking me...cats are like that). real funny, huh?

i could have sworn i saw it on the street...turns out that was a totally different gray cat. and a black cat that i chased after too.

oops. sorry, cathi for making you think your cat was gone.

anyone who knows me won't be surprised in the least by that story. especially my parents, who once believed me when i told them that someone had taken our neighbor's son. turns out that it was just a kid who looked like our neighbor boy. of course, we didn't find that out until after we had chased them down the street and accused them of kidnapping him.

i might need glasses, huh?

no wonder I am feeling good. i just got the call about my counts that were taken today, they are all higher than they were before i had my first chemo...back when i was 'normal'.

crazy. i'm not complaining, but WOW!

see what happens when i don't blog for awhile?

and no, i am not on steroids yet.