All We Can Do

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month

(click above to sign a petition to raise awareness & funding)

The storm is coming but I don't mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that I know is I'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Keep Breathing - Ingrid Michaelson

To say that video is sad is an understatement of epic proportions. It is heart & soul wrenching, but yet...those faces give me the strength to keep going.

If those kids can go through this, so can I. People ask how I do it, how I persevere, that's my answer...those kids, all kids for that matter healthy or sick, give me inspiration to forge ahead.

I want this disease to be GONE so that my nieces and their peers won't have to go through this, so that no one else will have to watch helplessly as their child undergoes scary tests, debilitating treatments and procedures, or lose their baby (no matter what age) to this monster.

People say all kinds of things when you have cancer...mostly nice things, encouraging things, sweet things, sometimes irritating and annoying things.

They don't know, I don't blame them. I don't want anyone to have to know. The only real way to know, to really know is to go through it yourself, or worse yet...through your child.

But even then, it's not your body that is being ravaged. Your heart, yes...but not your body. Every good parent that I know says that they would take the pain, illness, or even death themselves if they could; that they wish it were them that was suffering instead of their child.

I am not a parent, but if it has to be me instead of someone's child, then so be it. I know that's not the way things work, the sad fact is that children will continue to get sick and die. This disease does not discriminate.

People say that I am strong, brave, tough, a fighter, an inspiration & a hero to some. I guess I am all of those things, and some other things too...not all good.

I don't feel special, I feel like I am just doing what I need to do to keep breathing...it's all I can do. Fighting is all I know how to do. I don't know how to stop. I am assuming I'll just know when it's time to stop...or in my case, the choice will probably be made for me and forced upon me like so many of the 'choices' in my life.

Cancer is part of my life now, but I have lived in a world without cancer, doctors, hospitals, and needles. I have had some freedom to just live and enjoy life. I have crammed a lot of living into my almost-44 years, I have had a LOT of fun, laughter, and love.

I am not just cancer. I am not just another pink ribbon. What I am is a person who has been dealing with cancer for 8 years now. I know the lingo, I know the stats, I know way too much.

Here's what I know for sure: The children...the ones who go through any childhood cancer or illness...they are the strong ones. They are my heroes and my inspiration. And their parents too...any parent that loses a child for whatever reason...disease, accident, murder. All heroes.

How do you let go? How do you say goodbye to a part of yourself? I can't even begin to imagine.
Errant/Right Boob Update:

I went to see Dr. Jew (my wonderful breast surgeon) on Tuesday to have her check it out. She sent me for a breast MRI (ugh...not fun) that same day, which then led to having an ultrasound today (super easy in comparison to everything else I've had done this week).

They have ruled out Inflammatory Breast Cancer (IBC), which is really good news.

The not-so-good news is that they don't know what's going on. It may be edema caused by the clot being on that side of my body.

As Dr. Jew said in an e-mail: "There is a peace that comes from releasing all other concerns when there is nothing else to do. It is not 'giving up'...it is just acceptance that all is good and all is okay."

See? Wonderful and wise.

I will be watching it and Dr. Jew wants to see me in a month.

I see Dr. McK on Monday to discuss chemo options. I will probably be starting on whatever we decide next week. UGH.