days

chemo went well yesterday. long day as usual. i took a book, but only read a few words between visiting with people and the chemo nurses coming to change my meds.

i scheduled my bone/ct scans while i was there and have added them to the sidebar. they will be on 2/20 and 2/22. tentatively. that is the week that final budgets are due at work, so it's all subject to change depending on that. this week is preliminary budget stuff. bad timing with how i will soon be feeling, but i will just try to focus in and get it all done...hopefully correctly!

i went straight from chemo to get an x-ray of my left arm/shoulder because of some ongoing pain i have been experiencing there. just checking to see if the bone is okay/not riddled with cancer.

after putting me through some contortionistic poses, twisting my already in pain arm in several unnatural positions and taking about 20 films, the tech said that everything looked good from what she could see, but i should be getting the official results from my doc today or tomorrow.

warning...reality check ahead:

i think the cumulative effects of 30 chemos are taking their toll on my poor little body. i have aches and pains all over, i feel like i am falling apart and aging way before my time.

some of it may be the normal aging process. hard to say though since i don't know what it feels like to be a 'normal' 43 year old. i can only go by what my friends are experiencing. to be sure, they are going through changes as well, just not as drastic and at a much slower rate. you know...the way it's supposed to be.

my age is working for and against me. for me in that i can withstand stronger/more treatments. against me...for the same reason. prolongs the inevitable and in the meantime takes away any semblance of what my life was and/or should be at this point.

i should be grateful that i still have options, that i am still able to do what i can still do. and i AM, don't get me wrong...i just want more, or less...to be free, to be well, to be me...not this sad sickly shadow of myself existing in limbo-land.

yeah, well...whatcha gonna do? just accept the hand you're dealt, that's what.

and look for silver linings...every day, in every way. i don't have to look too hard...my family and my friends were, are, and always will be my number one silver lining.

(reality check over)

yesterday was an amazingly beautiful day. it was sunny and in the low 70's, good weather for the extra driving and walking in and out of medical facilities. i even got to sit in my backyard for a bit before the sun went down and the temp dropped 30-40 degrees.

today it is rainy, cold and dreary. snow and ice are supposedly on their way. just like a little kid, i am hoping for a snow day tomorrow.

Hold me tight
Keep me cool
Going mad
Don't know what to do
Do I need a friend?
Well, I need one now

All the days of my life
All the days of my life
All the days I owe you

All I've done
I've done for me
All you gave
You gave for free
I gave nothing in return
And there's little left of me

All the days of my life
All the days of my life
All the days I owe you

In red-eyed pain I'm knocking on your door again
My crazy brain in tangles
Pleading for your gentle voice
Those storms keep pounding through my head and heart
I pray you'll soothe my sorry soul

All the days of my life
All the days of my life
All the days I owe you

Days - David Bowie