the next place

the cover of a book i am reading

chemo went well today. and fairly quickly since they were doing a time study on themselves. still, i got there at 12:00 and left around 4:45.

dad stopped in, but unfortunately we didn't get to talk much since everyone seemed to be in a chatty mood today. it was still good to have him there with me, and it was a fun day.

toward the end of my time there i was talking to someone at his chair and after awhile we were both like, 'hey, the machine's not working.' (my chemo pump) so i asked the nurses about it and they said, 'oh, you've been done for about 15 minutes, we didn't want to interrupt.'

at this point, it was just me, the guy i was talking to and the nurses so i yelled, "COME UNHOOK ME FROM THIS STUPID POLE!!!"

the whole place just burst out laughing. so forevermore i'm afraid i shall be remembered as the girl who yelled that in the chemo room (where i'm sure many others have felt like doing the same thing.)

***

i scheduled my next chemo for a wednesday (4/30) instead of monday. this way my worst days will be saturday and sunday, and then i can just sleep on those days instead of dragging myself into work being a useless zombie on thursday and friday. just trying something different, we'll see how it works and go from there.

***
i rescheduled my pre-chemo bloodwork for today. i just did not feel like driving to that place again last friday...i had been there monday and knew i was going back today.

it's amazing the difference a few days can make in my counts. they are usually extremely low on the monday before chemo, and then by friday they are in normal range. today they were even higher, as in what they were before i started chemo. i can only imagine what they would do if i weren't getting knocked back down every 3 weeks. and how much better i would feel...for awhile anyway.

***
going backward in time, friday was fun. after work cathi, shauna, her friend julie and i went to fuel. the waitresses dance on the bar, and they play good music...we always have a good time there.

we sat on the patio with all of the bikers until the sun went down and it got too cold. shauna & julie moved on to another bar, cathi and i stayed at fuel all night, and we talked to some nice boys from minnesOta (yet).

saturday was a wasted day...i was so tired, and a bit hungover (dumb). sunday was wasted as well, but that was by choice...resting up for the week.

***
on a sad note, another of my chemo buddies, janie, passed away on March 25th at the age of 46.

the last time i talked to her she was worried about leaving her cats and trying to find them good homes. she was not afraid for herself, only her cats. she was happy that she was going to get to see her beloved brother tommy who died at age 31 from cancer as well.

fly free, janie...with your golden brother.

Emily Jane Schroeder

7/29/61 ~ 3/25/08

here are excerpts from one of my favorite books about grieving and death (an excellent book for children):

the next place that i go will be
as peaceful and familiar
as a sleepy summer sunday
and a sweet, untroubled mind.

i won't remember getting there.
somehow i'll just arrive.
but i'll know that i belong there
and will feel much more alive
than i have ever felt before.

i will be absolutely free of the things
that i held onto
that were holding onto me.

i will not be a boy or girl,
a woman or a man.
i'll simply be just simply me.
no worse or better than.

my skin will not be dark or light.
i won't be fat or tall.
the body i once lived in
won't be part of me at all.
i will finally be perfect.
i will be without a flaw.
i will never make one more mistake,
or break the smallest law.

and the me that was impatient,
or was angry or unkind,
will simply be a memory.
the me i left behind.

i will travel empty-handed.
there is not a single thing
i have collected in my life
that i would ever want to bring
except...
the love of those who loved me,
and the warmth of those who cared.
the happiness and memories
and the magic that we shared.

i will cherish all the friendships
i was fortunate to find,
all the love and all the laughter
in the place i leave behind.
all these good things will go with me.
they will make my spirit glow.
and that light will shine forever
in the next place that i go.

-the next place - warren hanson

tomorrow is the royals home opener party at stephanie's house.

in other sports-related news, congrats to my KU friends/readers! i caught the end of the game, pretty exciting stuff...even for a non-sports (and Missouri) fan.