Being Real

(don't let the picture fool ya...it's not a pretty post!)

Physically I am feeling a little better than I did last week. But I feel just as, if not more, tired. Hopefully each day this week will get better.

It was a nice, restful weekend...but I never feel like I can get enough sleep. I am forever tired. I know a lot of people say the same thing, I know everyone is tired. All I can say is this is not normal for me, and this is not any kind of tired I have ever felt before.

I am at work today and have my annual performance appraisal this afternoon. I wonder how Human Resources would feel if I put down as my "goal" that I just want to stay alive until the next appraisal period?

Honestly, as lame as it sounds, I have no real goals other than to make it through each day and get myself home to rest, and then get up and drag myself to work and do it all again the next day. To just make it to the weekend, the next chemo, the next test. Anyone who has been through this, or knows someone who has knows all to well that all it takes is one bad test result to throw your entire world into instant turmoil. Even if it's your new crappy world.

Most days I am exhausted by the time I get to work and am doing good just to be here at all. Many people don't work through chemo, even those who have far fewer treatments than I've had. Or they take more time off. My job is not physical though, and not high stress. Being at work helps me feel more 'normal', this is where I am supposed to be.

In a perfect world, I would take more time off, or not work at all. I would get more rest, get more things accomplished at home, read more, spend more time outdoors, spend more time with my family and friends. But I need the paycheck, I need the insurance. And even more important I need to feel like I'm doing what a normal 42 year old woman who is supposed to be in the prime of her life should be doing.

I am fully aware that I am doing far more than a lot of people in my situation could do and I AM grateful for that. But boy, it's frustrating to not be able to do more. And it's just so draining. And it's scary to think that it could get worse before it gets better. IF it ever gets better.

I go in today to give blood. As usual, this is the point in my cycle where my counts will be down to nothing. This is probably part of my exhaustion. No healthy blood cells, no immune system, no energy.

I hope everyone had a good weekend!