by heart

i am still feeling pretty rough from last week's chemo. i made it thru thursday and friday at work and just hibernated at home all weekend. i didn't do anything or go anywhere, i didn't even get dressed. i stepped outside for a brief moment yesterday just to feel the sun on my skin and breath in some fresh air.

i am taking today off. my big goal for the day is to take a shower and maybe put on some clothes. and sleep...i need more sleep.

my appointments this week are:

1. tues. - wound care place for wound v.a.c. - this is supposed to help heal/seal the incision for my port that won't heal properly. i am skeptical...we shall see.

2. wed. - weekly blood

3. thurs. - dr. jew to look at incision/stitches

on friday i noticed that i now have some funky blue veins coming out of my new port site that look just like the ones i had on the right side when my blood clot was discovered back in june. so of course i'm thinking that i now have a clot on the left side caused by the new port despite that fact that i am on coumadin. wouldn't surprise me one bit.

if i have to have this port removed, i'm not sure where they're gonna put the chemo drugs. directly in the veins is not good for someone who has to have as many treatments as i do. the drugs are so strong that they'll fry my veins. sorta like a drug addict...except they do it by choice and get pleasure from the poison they're putting into their bodies.

what a concept! doing something for fun as opposed to doing it just to stay alive. if they only knew what a gift life truly is.

She said she usually cried at least once each day
not because she was sad,
but because the world was so beautiful
& life was so short.

{Bittersweet ~ Story People}

today's song as been playing in my head since chemo last week. others have sang this song, but i love eva, she was an amazing talent. if you haven't heard her sing, you must.

Midnights in Winter
The glowing fire
Lights up your face in orange and gold.
I see your sweet smile
Shine through the darkness
Its line is etched in my memory.

So I'd know you by heart.

Mornings in April
Sharing our secrets
We'd walk until the morning was gone.
We were like children
Laughing for hours
The joy you gave me lives on and on.

‘Cause I know you by heart.

I still hear your voice
On warm Summer nights
Whispering like the wind.

You left in Autumn
The leaves were turning
I walked down roads of orange and gold.
I saw your sweet smile
I heard your laughter
You're still here beside me every day.

‘Cause I know you by heart,
‘Cause I know you by heart.

I Know You by Heart - Eva Cassidy

update: scratch all that up there about the appointments. i have updated all of the info in the sidebar regarding my upcoming appointments.

i noticed today that the port was exposed and notified dr. jew. there is a hole in my skin and i can literally see the plastic of the port showing through...it's pretty weird looking and makes this squishy noise when i move my left side.

she asked me how many millimeters, i don't know metric cuz i'm not a doctor and i'm american...so, i'm searching around for something to measure it with, or something to compare it to.

i told her it was about the size of an altoid which freaked her out cuz i guess that's a pretty big hole to have in your body.

she had me come in so she could look at it and determined that it's gotta come out. the skin is not normal, it is like tissue paper and just won't heal right.

so...back i go to have this port removed on friday.

for those keeping track, here's the deal:

06/26/06 - right side port put in (36 treatments)
06/27/08 - right side port taken out because of clot
09/29/08 - left side port put in (3 treatments)
11/21/08 - left side port to be taken out

cancel wound vac, cancel seeing dr. jew thursday, bloodwork has been moved to thursday and monday.

in the meantime, that means i've got to stop coumadin, start taking prescription strength vitamin k, and my lovely lovenox injections (oh, how i've missed you belly shots/bruises).

i LOVE my life.

but...at the same time, i know it can always be worse.

i am looking forward to...thanksgiving with my family and friends, sean and amanda coming in town, the first snow, christmas lights.

i'm just ready for some peace and normalcy...for a freakin' change. it's gonna be a rough couple of weeks.

on the upside, i did take a shower today and i also put on something other than my flannel pants.

yay me...i rock.

i never did get any more sleep. not so rocking there, but sleeping has never been one of my strong points.

today's theme song:
only - nine inch nails
it was one of those days.

other songs for this post:
bittersweet - hoodoo gurus
'blue veins' - blue veins - the raconteurs
'drug addict' - the drugs don't work - the verve/ben harper
'her sing' - songbird - eva cassidy