- i am back at work today.
- i drove my car for the first time since last thursday when i drove home from work.
- i am so glad to not be at home.
- and driving myself instead of being driven places.
- i feel okay, but not great.
- still having trouble breathing, but there is no pain when i take a breath.
- jaw seems to be calming down a bit.
- eating and talking are still very sketchy though.
- i am taking an anti-spasm prescription that dr. khan at ku prescribed that may or may not be helping, but is definitely making me feel drugged out.
- my doctors can't grasp the reason why i refuse their offers for whatever pills i want when most people 'in my condition' (and a lot of people not even close to being in my condition) ask for them, or they go to doctors and hospitals (by choice!), and/or make up symptoms just so they can get them.
- #1 - i am not like most, or even a lot of people. not better, not worse...just different.
- #2 - they dull my thinking, they make me feel like i am drunk and/or high (and not in a good/fun way), they make me tired, they make me not as strong, they make me groggy and emotional, they make me feel like i'm not me.
- maybe some people need the drugs because their brains are so much more powerful than mine, maybe it just doesn't take much to bring mine down to an almost non-functioning level because it's so close to that anyway (ha!).
- or maybe they just haven't given me the right pill, or combo of pills yet.
- i don't know, i just don't like the ones i have tried. i know they help a lot of people, and i know i am going to have no choice but to take more eventually...at which time i will probably be very grateful to have them and might be ready to give up feeling like me with just the swallow of a pill or two. just not yet.
- for now, i am so very tired...and so very not me.
- and on second thought, home's not sounding too bad.
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