We Are All a Star

I didn't go to work on Thursday OR Friday, so I had a 5-day 'weekend'.

I spent a lot of time in my queen-of-the-house chair resting, sleeping and/or watching tv. Not a lot of fun was had, but I slowly, but surely got some things accomplished on my 'to do' list in addition to just taking it easy.

It feels so good to have clean laundry, clean sheets, a clean kitchen and bathroom floor...I love the sense of accomplishment I get from doing these things, I always have.

I really miss the fact that I can no longer mow my own yard, that has always given me one of the greatest senses of accomplishment since it is so visible. One of my favorite things was waking up the morning after I had mowed, looking out and my lawn and knowing that I made it look that good (and that it was done for another few days).

Things that in the past I could do in one or two days now take me several days. I have to cut things (errands, chores, activities...FUN) out completely, or spread them out in order to conserve my energy. I have to take a lot of breaks in between activities.

In my past life, I could work out, run errands, do laundry, mow my yard, clean house and then go out at night...all in one day.

Now, I can only do one or two things a day...if that. Sometimes just taking a shower, making my bed, and/or going to work is all I can do.

I am very grateful to be able to still do a lot of these things, but it is very frustrating/maddening that I can't do nearly what I once could or should be able to do at this point in my life.

I try to focus on what I can do as opposed to what I cannot do, but the cannot list is becoming longer these days.

Weekends have certainly changed...everything has. In some ways, that is actually a good thing.

I am still a bit sore from surgery. Not loving Dr. Lee so much after taking off the bandages and seeing that there is an incision in my neck where the top tube for the port lies.

The port is in my chest where it should be, but there's a tube bulging out of my neck that I can feel every time I move or swallow or take a breath. Not to mention a new scar for the whole world to see...along with the tube leading up to it. Yuk.

I feel like when I cough, laugh, or move too suddenly this tube is gonna come popping out of my neck.

According to my doctors, it's closer to the surface because I am 'small' and allegedly it is harder to hide these things in smaller people. I don't think I'm all that small any more, but according to my doctors I am.

Of course, I am comparing myself to...well, me; and they're comparing me to a larger populace (no pun)...the rest of the world, or at least their other patients.

Here's the truth: I am small-boned, and I carry most of my weight in either my chubby cheeks, or like a lot of women in my hips, stomach and thighs...unfortunately never in my chest/neck.

I continue to see Dr. Melanie (chiropractor/cranio-sacral) and Dr. Laura (TMJ doc) trying to get some relief for my spasming and locking jaw.

I thought we were making some headway, I had those few days of almost-normalcy...but I believe being cut on again last week on my chest (and neck) has set me back. I am just hoping it's not a permanent set back and that we can progress from here, adapting for the foreign object imbedded in my chest (and neck*).

(*very much not happy about the neck thing.)

I am working on accepting this new port, making friends with it and all that comes with it (even the neck thing) since it is meant to help me and to deliver the drugs to the cancer.

I was at Dr. Laura's office for 3 hours today having more tests run, getting my jaw photographed and then videotaped as it spasmed/locked (Baby, I'm a Star!), having impressions made (3 of the top, 3 of the bottom, and a couple of goof-ups). If you've never had this done (I hadn't until today), it's not a pleasant thing to do...especially with a jacked-up jaw, and especially not eight times.

After that marathon appointment, I officially went back to work for the first time since last Tuesday. Unofficially, I stopped in for a little while on Saturday to clear my desk off since I knew I wouldn't be there until after 1:30 today.

I hate missing so much time, but unfortunately my doctors' offices aren't open late or on weekends...they pretty much have the same hours I do give or take a few either way.

It felt good to be back where I should be on weekdays...sitting on my butt at work instead of sitting on my butt at home!