Chemo Eve

~ chemo is today

~ bloodwork too

~ they're only open in the morning, so i'll be going earlier than usual

~ i'm doing chemo on christmas eve so i can (hopefully) have the bad stuff behind me by monday

~ the weekend and last few days were spent finishing up christmas shopping & wrapping things up at work for the year

~ we have the week off between christmas and new years, so i won't go back to work until january 5th!!!

~ i found out that they unblinded the clinical trial i was on for avastin, and that i WAS on the drug and not a placebo

~ i think it might've been what helped keep the cancer monster in its cage

~ i also think that it might've been at least partially responsible for causing my current blood clotting issues

~ read this for back-up of my theory

~ so, once again it's a love/hate thing

~ speaking of...time to take my crazy pills (aka steroids) and try to get some sleep

Update (pull up a chair for a spell, the 'roids are kicking in):

~ chemo went well today

~ got there around 9:05, was done by 12:15

~ bloodwork ROCKED: PT/INR=2.8; WBC=8.0 (what?!?); ANC=7.3 (whatwhat?!!?)

~ must be the millions of calories i've been consuming in christmas cookies, and food days, and luncheons, and popcorn tins, and whatever else is in front of my face.


~ teren's mom, teresa and i have been e-mailing since we met last month. when i ran into rick at my last treatment and gave him the star he said, 'you need some of teren's ducks, we'll get some to you somehow. i'll have teresa e-mail you.'

i didn't give them the star expecting or wanting anything back, but was totally honored that they would share a piece of their daugther with me.

they were in the office yesterday and had dropped off some ducks for me, i got them from the receptionist when i checked in.

after giving blood, and freaking out cuz i had left the bag in the lab, i got settled in to my easy chair and took out each duck and read the note that teresa had written. i kept the santa duck out just to make my little area a bit more festive.

i didn't expect to see them there today, but they came strolling into the infusion room after i had already been there for awhile. i was doing a crossword puzzle while eavesdropping on two older men in their early 60's talking about their tours of duty in vietnam and now their battles with cancer (see long story below duck picture).

rick, teresa and i chatted for a bit, they weren't there for treatment, just a quick shot to boost his immune system. regardless, i was so happy to see them and get to thank them personally.

i was also happy to get to hear more stories about teren, she sounds like such a good person and a special light. they said there were 2000 people at her funeral. i don't think i even know that many people and i am twice her age.

she obviously touched a lot of people in her way-too-short time here. one of her big pet peeves was when people would judge her or anyone else simply based on what you can see outwardly. her philosophy was get to know someone before you making any assumptions about who they are based on the exterior only.

she was wise beyond her 19 years...some people never learn that lesson in their entire lifetime, much less teach it to so many others.

the ducks are just a quirky thing that came from a funny-teenagery saying that teren had, a 'terenism':

'a rubber ducky will protect you from the snow;
because snow is evil & it will eat you!'

i am too lazy to get the other ducks
gathered up for the photo shoot

ha...it doesn't make sense, it doesn't need to. it's funny & ducks are cute. and now i am protected from evil snow by an army of ducks...good thing too since we some got snow last night.

here is santa duck on my chemo pole:

~ see the two gentlemen to the left with the nurse between them? they started talking and found out that they are the same age and are both vietnam vets.

i was trying not to let them know i was listening because i didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable and/or make them feel like they had to stop talking. it seemed like they both needed to talk to someone who had been there.

they both acknowledged that no one can really know what it was really like unless they had experienced it too, and that it was good to be able to talk about it with someone who just gets it.

ironically, the same can be said for cancer, and here they sit next to each other in a cancer center on christmas eve. i don't think that part is ironic though, or random.

they are both still married to the women they left behind back in the '70's and agreed that their wives are saints for putting up with all of the crap they were put through by their post-war trauma.

they both acknowledged that they were very damaged on many levels because of what they did and saw. both were amazed and grateful that their wives had stuck by their sides while that damage poisoned them and played out in some pretty bad ways that a lot of people would not accept in their marriage.

many of you know that my sister and her husband have been through three deployments together...once when they were dating, once after they had jordan & ashton, and again after they had hayden.

let me just say for the record that while i absolutely admire and respect tony and all soldiers for serving our country and for the sacrifices they make, my sister and other military spouses are right there with these two men's wives in the saint category.

these vets and their wives, along with rick & teresa (not just because they gave me something, although that was cool too) are my heroes today.

my sister has been my hero every day for 40 years. she doesn't read this blog (or have time to read something this freaking long), but she will hear this story tomorrow. just like with cancer or war, you can't know what it's like until you've been the one who was left behind. she simply amazes me.

~ i got to hold a newborn baby yesterday. it felt like i was holding a piece of heaven. i couldn't stop smiling the rest of the day. holding a baby really helps put things in perspective. i don't know how new parents ever get anything done, i could've sat there all day just watching him sleep.

~ i need to get to wrapping presents, i hope i have enough stuff here to do it with because i didn't buy anything new and i'm not going back out in the cold. these gifts might be wrapped in old pitch weekly's, i just won't use the back pages where all of the not-for-kids stuff is.

(w)rapper's delight
(and ya don't stop)

~ i am going to mom & dad's tomorrow around 1:00 to celebrate christmas with the fam. it's so much fun to watch the kids open their presents. we had to have been so bored before they were born. things have changed since jordan was born, and have changed a bit more with each one.

whatever did we do before jordan, ashton, hayden, izabella?

certainly not fun things like this!

~ kids are such a blessing. sometimes i regret not being able to have any, and other times i'm glad i couldn't. you know, times like now, this coming weekend, and basically the past 2.5 years, and the next however many years.

~ this is me on a lowered dosage of decadron (steroid). pretty scary, huh?

~ other than feeling drugged, i feel pretty good...for now.

Happy Christmas Eve!!!