Sleepy Time

My today is not perfect or cancer free.

But is a good day nonetheless.
I have no idea how many more I have, and that is fine too.

Today is a fine day.
I am here.
{Andrea - Punk Rock Mommy}

I slept most of the weekend away, but yet I am still exhausted. I am not a good sleeper, I never have been...so all of this sleeping is a very strange thing for me. It feels wasteful and like I have so many other/better things I should be doing. Even if that is doing nothing...at least I would be awake and making the choice to do nothing.

As has been my new pattern, I am taking today off for one more day of rest. Or perhaps I might even leave the house at some point. We'll see about that though. It makes me tired just thinking about what it takes to get out the door...getting dressed, makeup, covering my perpetually bald head, donning layers of clothing, gloves, purse, keys, driving...my flannel pants and warm bed sound better.

But....

I'm not able to rest (or even read) today due to the fact that my jaw and neck are locking up painfully. It extends down into my sides (kidneys?) and feels like I am being body-slammed at times.

I am hungry, but when I try to eat my jaw locks up. I am tired, but when I try to lay down, my neck spasms. Not to mention I can't sleep with a growling stomach.

This stuff seems to hit the worst the Monday after each chemo since I started back up in October. This didn't happen before the clot, so I blame it on that...but who knows, 2.5 years of toxic chemo drugs takes its toll on a body, even a fairly young one.

The only 'solution' they have for me is take more pills...namely muscle relaxers. I am not a pill person, plus I don't think it's my muscles. And all most pills do is knock me out and/or make me puke. Covering up a problem doesn't fix the problem, or explain what is causing it.

Going to work tomorrow might very well be the first time I venture out since I got home from work on Friday. I made it through work and then made a few stops on my way home Friday evening knowing that I was heading for the crash. As expected, it hit hard and heavy all weekend.

I think the wave is passing, but it has left me feeling battered and weary.

Punk Rock Mommy is a site that I found shortly after Andrea passed away. I still go there often because her wise words inspire me and I can relate to so much of what she says. I wish I could be as open and honest as she is. She left a legacy for her six(!) children, a chronicle of her last year.

Check out what she and her friends & family have to say...they might be taking the site down soon.

I am called strong all the time. I don’t really know why.
I have cancer. I am not running a marathon.
More often than not I am happy.
I laugh. But it is never the same as before I was sick.
I do not feel that light feeling anymore.
It's a feeling you do not know you have until it is gone.
The feeling of being unburdened. But I do feel happy.
I do enjoy this life that I have burdened as it is.

{Andrea}