Be OK

When I die, she said, I'm coming back as a tree
with deep roots & I'll wave my leaves at the children
every morning on their way to school and
whisper tree songs at night in their dreams.
Trees with deep roots know about the things that children need.

{Deep Roots ~ Story People}

~*~

It is still so new and all we see is the empty space,
but that is not how it is in the landscape of the heart.
There, there is no empty space and she still laughs &
grapples with ideas & plans & nods wisely with each of us in turn.
We are proud to have known her.
We are proud to have called her friend.

{Landscape of the Heart ~ Story People}

~*~

Don't worry, I'm not totally freaking out about the liver mets...this progression was expected.

Cancer is like a ticking time bomb in my body, and let's face it...I have been living on borrowed time for a good while now. Granted, people can live with mets for years...I have already outlived the 18 month from diagnosis deadline statistic. But as I read recently: "Words don't define our number of days here."

Yes, it takes its toll. Yes, the side effects are bad. Yes, I am scared. But...I have it so much better than a lot of people. All I have to do is look around at the cancer center to know that.

I am and always will be eternally grateful for seemingly small mercies...I am not yet bed-ridden, I can still walk (slowly), I can still go to the bathroom by myself, I can still work full-time (mostly), I can still read, I can still drive myself places, I can still have some fun with my friends & family.

Things we all know that we will mostly likely not be able to do at some point in our lives whether it's next year, tomorrow, next week, an hour from now, or 10, 20, 30, 40 years from now.

No one ever really knows; personally, I'd prefer the the '40 years from now' option, but at this point it's looking like that won't happen for me and it has looked that way for the past two and a half years, or actually the past eight and a half. So, I've had awhile to adjust to the idea.

I am also grateful for all of you (plus my friends and family who don't read this blog) more than words can ever express. For sticking by me for the past two and a half years, for being there for however many years you and I have shared, for being part of my life until one of us leaves whether that's next year, tomorrow, next week, an hour from now, or 10, 20, 30, 40 years from now.

To infinity...and beyond!

I believe that we're never really far from someone we have once loved, you just have to change your way of thinking of and communicating with that person for awhile if they leave before you do. No biggy. Yah, right.

Ahhhhhh.....my brain, it exhausts me sometimes.

Speaking of exhaustion...

I'm off for chemo #40...I'll post an update later to let you know how it goes.

Oh, and it's NOT snowing...just COLD and cloudy. BOO!

Today's Playlist:

Song #1 actually drives me kinda crazy...but I heard it this morning, back-to-back with song #2 and thought they were both fitting:

Song #3 is there just because it never fails to make me smile.

I quote this song constantly, most people have no clue what the heck I am talking about...

"and out the door I went"
"Lord, she was lovey dovey"
"I said, 'but I'm tired'"
"I knOw, everybody funny, now you funny too"
"she ain't gonna get none of it"
"the clock on the wall says three o'clock" (I use this one a lot, inserting what time it actually is)
"you when your mouth is getting dry, you're plenty high"

Funny stuff! It's the way he says things that amuses me most. It really is a gift in life to be easily amused...it makes everything way more fun.

Open me up and you will see

I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

Be Ok - Ingrid Michaelson

~*~
Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Sit by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', this is my message to you-ou-ou:
Singin' dont worry (don't worry) bout a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Three Little Birds ~ Bob Marley