how open and honest should i be? should i blog when i don't feel well? should i let everyone see every nasty side of this? will it help anyone gain any perspective or just make me sound like i'm whining? should i blog when i'm not feeling strong, positive, courageous, brave? all of the things people seem to think i am. reality is...i am all of those things, and more (and of course less, both good and bad, like everyone else)...but i am not, cannot, and will not be any of them all the time.
honestly, i don't feel like i have a choice but to be strong and to fight...again. but i can't do it all the time, it's just too much. there are times i don't want to be strong anymore, i just want to cry and not stop...i want to throw a tantrum like my 20 month old niece (can i, please...just once?!!?). i want to just want to get in my car and drive away from everything...i want to run away, or better yet just fly away. but there's no running or flying away from this, only facing it head-on.....oh and, being strong (blech...that freakin' "s" word).
i'm not one to wallow in self-pity (so many people have it so much worse), but there will be days that are worse than others for me. today seems to be one of them. i think all of the drugs are really hitting me. i don't want to be at home, i don't want to be at work...i really don't want to be anywhere that I am (make sense?). i don't want to talk to anyone, i don't want to talk about cancer, or anything really (the drugs have screwed up my vocal chords anyway, so i can't really talk).
the reality of losing my hair....again, is looming ahead and i hate that; that's the signal to the world that you really are sick. it's all just weighing on my mind very heavily...life has been turned upside down. i know everyone wants and needs for me to be strong, i've always felt a responsibility to put on that brave face and be the happy/fun/tough girl. i'm always afraid of upsetting, hurting, or scaring people if i let out my true, sometimes negative thoughts...but they are there along with all of the more positive thoughts.
i'm not asking for sympathy or crying out for attention, but just wanted you all to know that it's at times like these when i'm not feeling as strong that your love and support are what is carrying me through this.
fyi: i was at work all day today, other than when i went to get my stitches taken out. ok, i was AT work physically and i did get some work done, but i wasn't really there. at least my timecard will say that i was.
it's looking & sounding like rain tonight...that might be nice, a relaxing/refreshing rainfall...let it rain!
7 comments:
Kelly,
It's good to be brave and fight, as that's the way to face adversity, but inside all of us is a scared little girl who wants to run. It's the nature of the beast.
Keep your chin up... of course, only when you want to!
Jenny
Dearest Kelly,
We saw you at your Grandmother Kori's funeral mass in Jacksonville...it had been way too long since we connected with your family and even though it was a sad occasion we couldn't miss the opportunity to see friends that never seem to go out of mind.
You have grown to be a very pretty young woman and we were taken with your warmth and sincerity.
We heard from your Mom today of the recurrance of your cancer...and we want you to know that our thoughts and prayers are with you and all who are involved (family, friends, Drs. nurses, etc.). As we read your blogs we thanked God for blessing you with courage and sending angels for your needs.
Love to you,
The Biastre's (George and Nora)
Kelly -
George Biastre Jr. here... pardon the stream of conscious writing, that's what I do...
My mom filled me in on your situation tonight and pointed me to your blog. Reading your posts is awe-inspiring.
I remember when your family would come to Jacksonville for visits. The only thing I recall us kids doing was sitting in front of a turntable listening to music.
As fate would have it, I was grabbing a quick bite this afternoon (alone, which is uncommon, feeling a little melancholy, needing a kick in the ass) and an old Styx song came over the Muzak. It is a good "fight" song and I am sure we listened to it as kids. The last four lines were my inspriation today.
Fooling Yourself
(The Angry Young Man)
You see the world through your cynical eyes
You're a troubled young man I can tell
You've got it all in the palm of your hand
But your hand's wet with sweat
And your head needs a rest
And you're fooling yourself if you don't believe it
Why must you be such an angry young man
When your future looks quite bright to me
And how can there be such a sinister plan
That could hide such a lamb
Such a caring young man
And you're fooling yourself if you don't believe it
You're killing yourself if you don't believe it
Get up, get back on your feet
You're the one they can't beat and you know it
Come on let's see what you've got
Just take your best shot and don't blow it.
Lyrics by: Tommy Shaw
Music by: Tommy Shaw
@#$%^&*()(*&^&^%$%#@!!!!!!You throw your fit, kel! go ahead!! it's ok!! you have a good right to!!!you dont have to be the s word all the time! we will do it for you!! it's ok to write what your true feelings are. It puts all things in perspecitive!!It really is ok to lean on us ALL the time if you have to!! really!! WE LOVE YOU!!
It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me
---Five for Fighting
Kel,
You do not know how your honest words will help someone else who needs it. As Vin said, you go ahead and throw your fit...this is, after all, a fit throwing situation. I have never known you to be anything than honest with who you are and what you feel. The bravest one is the honest one. This isn't always pretty, but when you need to lean on someone do it...(just warn me first, cause if you lean suddenly and I'm not expecting it...we'll both fall down and then we'll just look stupid.)
Seriously, write what you feel, it let's the rest of us know when you need a shoulder...or a pair of boxing gloves.
Love you,
Shell
By the way, I do know grammar and punctuation, but it's summer and I'm on vacation.
Shell
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